MY PROBLEMS
My Worries And Concerns
Part 1
Because I’m young, I worry about making older people feel envious that they are no longer young. If some older person said that modern technology was not clever I’d be too scared to say that I like it in case it displeases that person.
Part 2
I’ve always hated people getting the wrong idea of me. I would stare at pretty girls but again I wouldn’t because I’m worried that they might look at me in disgust like they think I’m trying to pull them, something that I would never ever do, besides which I’m better off being single for the time being, and also that they would look at me in a smug way like they know something about me and that’s the type of rejection I’m scared of the most. I’ve had that worry for some years now which is why I can’t go out on a regular basis.
Part 3
Another reason I can’t go out on a regular basis is I like pretty blond girls who are nice but I worry about encountering pretty blond girls in case they’re not very nice, personality wise. I know that an ugly person who is horrible is bad enough but for me, a pretty girl who is horrible is worse because I only like pretty girls who are nice.
What My Brain Is Telling Me Sometimes
Part 1
I’m deeply concerned that any teenager or young person looking at this might take offence because I wouldn’t live it down if they do. When I see a teenager or young person walking by, I instantly assume they’re disapproving of everyone which causes me to feel like I’m encountering disapproval from them despite having not met them and they stick in my head too easily. I suppose if I didn’t have this problem I probably would be able to go out more often than I do.
Part 2
I also have this thing for facial expressions on people. I sometimes assume people are cross when they’re not and that’s with people I don’t know very well. I feel like I can read people’s minds and that I can tell what they’re thinking. I have that with young women and older people because my brain is telling me that the young women are disapproving of all men and the older people are disapproving of young people, negative criticism wise for everything they do which is why I’m never 100% content.
Part 3
Another thing is I’m constantly assuming that a lot of relationships between young couples are strained. I think it’s because I’ve come across that sort of thing in programmes on the telly in the past and I think that’s what makes me assume it. When I see a young couple walk by, my brain is telling me that the wife or girlfriend is annoyed with the husband or boyfriend, and when I’m out and I see a young man or woman talking on their mobile phone, I instantly assume that they’re having an argument with their partner on it, even though I know I never can tell if they are or not, but then again I have to keep an open mind.
All this has been going on in my head a lot and I can’t help assuming that this sort of thing is going on all the time. It’s been playing a major part of my life for a long time now, possibly too much because it’s rather hampered my social skills. These days I sometimes feel I can only talk at people rather than to them.
Part 4
I’ve always cared a lot about what people think of me and how they judge me. I’m
upset by negative criticism which is why I’m constantly aiming to please because
if ever I encounter disapproval, I come unglued. I used to think to myself that you
could please everyone. I used to have this belief that I absolutely should never
let people down. As a child I believed that an approval rating of 100% was possible
but within the last couple of years I realised that it isn’t, especially after watching
stand-
Other Problems That I Have
Part 1
1.1
The time of day when my anxiety is at it’s worst is from 6.00 pm to 6.30 pm every weekday. The reason for that is because of the quiz show ‘Eggheads’ being on every weekday even though I don’t watch it anymore or even so much as have it on in the house. If I come across a single reference to that programme, I get instantly upset, so I would prefer it if nobody mentioned anything to me about it. The reason I hate coming across references to that programme is because I watched it a lot during my dark phase because there were an awful lot of episodes on during then (roughly a few hundred), therefore I associate the programme with it.
Thankfully I’ve come up with a way to help assuage my anxiety during my most difficult time of day by using my Wii Fit for half an hour on weekdays. Whenever my Nan and Granddad are at my house on a weekday, from 6.00 pm to 6.30 pm, instead of using my Wii Fit, I listen to one of my most favourite songs which is ‘Under Your Thumb’ by The Vaccines. The song is taken from the band’s debut album called ‘What Did You Expect From The Vaccines?’ Which I got for Christmas in 2011, and it’s an album track. A couple of other songs I like from the album are ‘Norgaard’ which was released as a single, and ‘Blow It Up’ which was released on a double A sided single with ‘Wreckin’ Bar (Ra, Ra, Ra)’ which unfortunately isn’t one of my favourite songs by them because it’s in a bad key for me, which is why I haven’t given it a YouTube link.
1.2
On Wednesday the 31st of August 2011, after using my Wii Fit, I turned it off, put the television on the Sky menu and accidentally came across a brief reference to ‘Eggheads’ in the BBC2 section because it hadn’t quite finished and I got instantly anxious even though I only saw it for a split second. I could have left the Wii Fit switched on but I didn’t think quickly enough because that’s what I usually do. I didn’t even know my Mum was going to use it after me. I really thought I’d succeed at avoiding all references to ‘Eggheads’ completely 100% of the time but I’ve slipped up a few times so far. That night when I was going to bed, I was talking to my Mum about it and she told me that I’m bound to slip up from time to time which was why I found the next day pretty difficult and it was my penultimate Art lesson and I couldn’t concentrate on my work properly because of the thought of it.
After my Art lesson, I was at home whilst my Mum was out shopping, and I had been crying for some of that time because of the fact that I may come across brief references to ‘Eggheads’ now and again. I couldn’t bring myself to telling my Mum about it until the following day because I didn’t want to risk worrying her too much. She said it may have stemmed from when I slipped up the previous day, and I think she was probably right.
1.3
Another time I cried was on Monday the 21st of November 2011 at 4.00 pm, not because I slipped up again, but because of the memory of what a lot of the teams who appeared on ‘Eggheads’ in the time that I watched it looked like, because I watched it from 2007 to 2010. It’s not that they’ve done anything wrong obviously, I just couldn’t stop thinking about some of them, particularly this team who appeared on the programme in January 2009 during my dark phase called ‘The Music Kids’, but I wouldn’t try too hard to force them out of my head because I know it would only make it worse and that is something I hardly need anyone telling me. At least it’s not always as bad for me.
I hope this problem I have with the ‘Eggheads’ references will fade before too long as it’s a problem I’m not most proud of having at the age of 24, and the fact that there are probably teams appearing on the programme who are a bit younger than me, sometimes students.
1.4
On Tuesday the 31st of January 2012, I was about to use the Wii Fit at 6.00 pm as
usual, but the batteries in the Wii board were running low, so instead I watched
something that was recorded on the Sky box which was an episode of the Stand-
Part 2
I used to watch ‘University Challenge’ and I remember what most of the students who appeared on the programme during the time that I watched it looked like. The problem is, I associate them all with my dark phase, hence them being on ‘University Challenge’ during then because I watched it from 2006 to 2009. Again, it’s not that they’ve done anything wrong, and again I wouldn’t try too hard to force them out of my head because I know it would only make it worse. At least it’s not as bad as with all the people who were on ‘Eggheads’ in the time that I watched it.
I associate ‘University Challenge’ with my dark phase which is why I can’t watch it anymore even though new students who appear on it would be okay because I wouldn’t associate them with my dark phase. At least it’s not as bad as with ‘Eggheads’ because ‘University Challenge’ is not on as often as ‘Eggheads’.
Part 3
Even though I like watching some comedy programmes, the ones I associate watching with my dark phase are ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’, ‘Father Ted’, ‘The Vicar Of Dibley’ and ‘My Family’ which is why I just don’t feel I can watch any of those programmes again. I mean that might change one day but at the moment I can’t imagine it happening. I did have all four of those comedy programmes on DVD, but I gave them all away for the reason above, with the exception of ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’ which I gave to my Mum. I did give to her ‘Father Ted’, ‘The Vicar Of Dibley’ and ‘My Family’ beforehand, but she didn’t bother to watch those so much.
Part 4
4.1
Even though I like listening to music, there are certain songs which I just can’t listen to anymore because I associate listening to them with my dark phase because I had been listening to them during it. I mean that might also change but again I can’t imagine it happening. I finally achieved the guts to put a list down of what they are, four of which I couldn’t give a Wikipedia link because there aren’t any available for them.
1. 10cc -
2. 10cc -
3. 10cc -
4. Roxy Music -
5. Electric Light Orchestra -
6. Razorlight -
7. Razorlight -
8. Razorlight -
9. Razorlight -
10. Razorlight -
11. Razorlight -
12. Razorlight -
13. Andrew Gold -
14. Andrew Gold -
15. America -
16. America -
17. The Editors -
18. The Editors -
19. The Editors -
20. The Editors -
21. Foreigner -
22. Foreigner -
23. Foreigner -
24. Foreigner -
25. Foreigner -
26. Foreigner -
27. Foreigner -
28. Foreigner -
29. Foreigner -
30. Vampire Weekend -
31. Vampire Weekend -
32. Vampire Weekend -
33. One Night Only -
34. John Lennon -
35. John Lennon -
36. John Lennon -
37. John Lennon -
38. John Lennon -
39. John Lennon -
40. John Lennon -
41. John Lennon -
42. John Lennon -
43. Wings -
44. Wings -
45. Wings -
46. Wings -
47. Wings -
48. Wings -
49. The Rolling Stones -
50. The Whispers -
4.2
I also have to be wary about which songs they play on a programme I am watching.
Even though my most favourite Stand-
On the next episode of ‘Dave’s One Night Stand’ with stand-
On the next episode with Jason Byrne, at the beginning of the show, as he comes on, a song gets played in the background which is ‘All Sparks’ by The Editors which is yet another song I associate listening to with my dark phase. I’m not trying to control these things though and I’m not letting it put me off the programme. At least there are other songs which I like listening to, which will be mentioned in the section ‘My Taste In Music’.
Part 5
On Saturday the 4th of February 2012, I was in the living room with my Mum and she
had the telly on, I don’t know which channel she had it on but on the telly, it turned
out to be stand-
Just after that I put something on that was recorded on the Sky Box which was Dave Gorman’s episode of ‘Dave’s One Night Stand’ filmed at the Birmingham Hippodrome and first shown on Dave on the 28th of April 2011. I told her that I had to put it on mute just while Isy Suttie (the second supporting act) comes on because of the song being played in the background which was ‘Oxford Comma’ by Vampire Weekend but I forgot, and just as Dave was introducing her on, I just remembered and I very nearly put it on mute in time, but I heard the first note of the song being played which I felt wasn’t great for me. My Mum told me it was just one note, which I thought was second best but still not good enough.
Part 6
Another problem I have is I feel I have an inability to live purely in the present moment without fear. I don’t mean witness the same present moment all the time, I mean live from present moment to present moment and it’s only when you’re doing that where true joy exists and where you can be fully at one with the universe. My main problem is I feel like I’m living into the future, really what I’m doing is living into the past, I’m repeating moments from the past hoping for better endings. I sometimes feel like if I could just heal the past, maybe then I could live in possibility, maybe then the future could be a blank page where anything could happen, until that point if I’m going to repeat moments from the past.
I sometimes watch this Stand-
