MY PROBLEMS

 

 

My worries and concerns

 

Because I’m young and fit, I worry about making older people feel bad that they are no longer young and fit. If some older person said that modern technology was not clever I’d be too scared to say that I like it in case it displeases that person. I would also be too scared that I would displease some other older person by saying that I like modern music if they say it’s not good.

 

I don’t go out very often because I worry that if I’m out there would be young people shouting abuse at me which would cause me to go over to them and punch them in the faces therefore it would lead to bad consequences because I’m not good at ignoring things like that. Not that it’s ever happened but I can imagine things like that happening one day.

 

I worry about coming across girls in case they might think I’m looking at them as if I fancy them and that I would chat them up. I don’t like people getting the wrong idea of me. I do have that worry and always have done because of what I came across on the telly quite a lot in the past and that is boys chatting up girls, a previous occurrence in an episode of Emmerdale from 2001. I think I must have put too much thought into that kind of thing but it wasn’t actually my decision to do so. I’ve never liked to come across that sort of thing even when it’s only acting on the telly.

 

If I’m out and I see a girl who was attractive I would keep a distance from her because I know I’m doing the right thing. If I saw a girl who I liked because she was attractive I would say to her “I like you” after the right amount of time but again I couldn’t just in case by any chance she wasn’t single and that she thought I was trying to chat her up, something that I would never ever do. I’m better off being single for the time being anyway.

 

 

What My Brain Is Telling Me Sometimes

 

I’m deeply concerned that any teenager or young person looking at this might take offence to it. When I look out my window and I see teenagers outside, I become anxious because my brain is telling me that they’re possibly causing trouble even though that’s not strictly true and the same applies to people having fun on a Saturday night.

 

I have this thing for facial expressions on people. I sometimes think people are cross when they’re not and that’s with people I don’t know very well. I suppose if I didn’t have any of these problems I probably would be able to go out more often than I do.

 

I feel like I can read people’s minds and that I can tell what they’re thinking. I have that with young women, older women and older men but not young men. I’m never 100% content because I can feel rejection constantly coming at me because when I’m out and I see teenagers and young people walk by, my brain is telling me that they hate everyone and when I see older people walk by, my brain is telling me that they’re constantly criticising young people for everything they do. I’ve been having that problem for as long as I can remember now. I don’t think I can be myself anymore. My Mum says that this is all in my imagination and that I can’t possibly know what people are thinking. Normally this would make me feel better but my autism makes my imagination go into overdrive a lot of the time.

 

Another thing is I’m constantly assuming that a lot of relationships between couples are strained and I’m not including any older couples in this. I think it’s because I’ve come across that sort of thing in programmes on the telly in the past and I think that’s what makes me assume it. When I see a young couple walk by, my brain is telling me that the wife or girlfriend is annoyed with the husband or boyfriend.

 

When I’m out and I see someone talking on their mobile phone, I instantly assume that he or she is having an argument with their partner on it even though I know I never can tell if they are or not but then again I have to keep an open mind.

 

All this has been going on in my head a lot and I can’t help assuming that this sort of thing is going on all the time. It’s been playing a major part of my life for a long time now, possibly too much because it’s rather hampered my social skills. These days I sometimes feel I can only talk at people rather than to them.

 

I’ve always hated rejection and I’m upset by criticism which is why I’m constantly aiming to please. I used to think to myself that you could constantly avoid disapproval by constantly doing the right thing. I’ve always had this belief that I absolutely should never let people down. As a child I’ve believed that an approval rating of 100% was possible but in the last couple of years I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t, especially after I was watching one of my comedy stand up DVDs which was ‘Dylan Moran: What It Is’ that I got for my 23rd birthday in May 2010 and he said that nobody ever gets an approval rating of 75% and I suppose that ought to help me in a way.

 

When I’m out and I see a young woman walking down the street, I instantly assume that she doesn’t like men and I express my deepest apologies if I sound a bit sexist with this one, I hate women being sexist more than men being sexist even though I know both of which is bad and I’ve always been like that. That’s partly the reason why I have problems with going out and I’d like to think that one day not in the far distant future, I will care less which would be wonderful but I can’t imagine that happening yet.